YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY SO HARD | 1 AM THOUGHTS

January 14, 2018

It's been months since I've written a post so personal here on the blog. I look over to the corner of my screen and see that it's 1 in the morning. As I'm typing this, I find it so crazy that my first thought was to grab my laptop and write. This is why I call Kathlyn's Korner my safe haven. I can come here knowing that whatever thoughts I'm thinking or emotions I'm feeling, they are welcomed. I can be whoever I want to be, and say whatever I want on this space without the restrictions of others holding me back. With that being said, let's get down to it.

Being in college, I have met so many great people, and have already experienced so many new things. I've changed and grown since my first semester, and I'm proud of who I am, and what I've accomplished. I've consistently pushed myself out of my bubble in regards to being more social. I started working at a new job that requires A LOT of my energy, but one that I'm ecstatic to be apart of. I've finally gathered up the courage to chase after my dream career without caring what other people have to say about it. Everything seems to be going well, at least that's what I try and tell myself.

One of the things that I've gotten really good at is being honest with myself, and if I'm being completely honest right now, I feel like I'm putting on a front. I feel like I'm going through life with a facade on. It's not that I think that I'm fake, or that I'm so far apart from who I truly am. I think my problem is that I'm getting too caught up in trying to make sure my college years aren't a repeat of what I went through in high school. Without getting into the nitty gritty of it, high school was not a happy time or place for me. I went from pretending to be someone I wasn't in order to fit in, to being completely by myself because I pushed everyone away from me. I never liked who I was in high school because I was always afraid to be myself. I would always compare myself to others, whether it be the outgoing girl in class that always made everyone laugh to the quiet creative girl that everyone secretly loved. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough, and I still feel like that. Being in college has only intensified my feeling of not being good enough. Like who I am when I'm all alone is not worthy. I constantly feel like I have to try so hard to be the funny one, the sweet one, the one who people want to be around. It gets so frustrating because I just want to be me. I've spent my whole life trying so hard to not disappoint other people that I've forgotten who I really am behind the facade.

I'm not the girl who can act tough all the time. I'm the most sensitive person I know.
I'm not the girl who can talk shit about other people all the time. Yes, I realize that we all talk a little crap, but I hate gossip. It puts me in uncomfortable positions.
I'm not the girl that is fully confident in my body. Just like a lot of people, I have self esteem issues. I went 2 weeks barely looking at myself in a mirror because I hated what I saw.
I'm not the girl who has these crazy life stories or does crazy things. I haven't done anything wild. I have no crazy boy stories or wild nights out. I sit in my room and read books all day. Literally.
I'm not the girl who cares about materialistic things. I crave meaning. I crave connection. Why? Because it's something that has always been lacking in my life.

I'm so tired of trying so hard to be perfect. I'm so tired of trying so hard to not mess up. I'm so tired of trying so hard to make sure other people like me, when I deep down I know they probably don't give two shits about me. I'm so damn tired of trying so hard to be someone that everyone, but me wants to be. I'm only 18, and I don't know who I am exactly or what I want to do, but I know for a fact it's not this.

Try by Colbie Caillat is my song for 2018. Every time I find myself stressing out about keeping up this image of what everyone else wants me to be, I play this song and it calms me. Its simple lyrics have such a powerful affect on me because they hold so much truth. I don't have to try so hard. I don't have to be a different person when I leave the comfort of my room. I don't want to go back to high school. I don't want to go home every day and hate the person I am. I don't want to be that person who is afraid to be herself. I don't want to have two different identities.

When I look at myself in the mirror, stripped down from everything there is, I want to say I love the person looking back at me. I want to be able to say I love myself and mean it. But not only that, I want that same person looking back at me to show the world who she really is. No physical change should change the person I am on the inside. No amount of makeup, clothing, friends, whatever out-worldly thing there is should change who I am.

The journey to self-love is not an easy one. It's one that I have been too egotistical to start. It's one that I realize that I desperately need to embark on, and the first step is realizing that the girl in the mirror staring back at me is good enough, just the way she is.

Until next time,

k.m.

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing.


1 comment

  1. I love that song and I admire your openness in this post. I know the feeling of trying to fit in but not being yourself then worrying about what others will think too much. I worry about what others think to much. The song Try is such a good one. You can do this! <3
    Simply Me

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