January 10, 2017

I'm going to warn you now that this post might be all over the place, but I promise that it'll all make sense in the end. Hopefully.

It was Sunday, January 8th, at around noon where I had this thought come to my head.

Self love.

I started to think back on my own self love journey and how far I've come, only to realize that I haven't come as far as I thought I did. Why is that? I then began to pin point all the steps I took and all the advice I was given to only come up short. I've been doing this whole thing wrong.

We live in a society where the destination to self love is more important than the journey. Rarely anyone is willing to put in the time and effort to focus on themselves. We want to be confident NOW. We want to have the highest self esteem NOW. We want to be that "bad bitch" everyone keeps talking about NOW. We want to reap the benefits, but not put in the work.

The journey to self love is not as easy as waking up every morning, looking in the mirror, and telling yourself that you're beautiful. It's not as easy as posting a selfie or a picture in your underwear on instagram and using #bodypositivity. It's not something that can be obtained in a 10 minute "How to Love Yourself" video. If that was the case, we'd all be confident as hell.

Personally, the journey to self love is painful. It's challenging and bumpy. You see, there's two parts to it. There's the hurting, and then there's the healing. The hurting is exactly what you think it is. This is where you confront your demons. This is where you bring out all of your insecurities and face them head on. This is where you look in mirror, find everything you hate about yourself, and ask yourself why. You find the root to your problems and you rip it out. You rip out the doubt, the sadness, anxiety, and anything else that holds you back. You spend nights crying until you fall asleep. You have breakdowns in the middle of nowhere. You scream and fight. You fight this self hate in your body. You fight these negative feelings that have done nothing but ruin you. You do this until you're worn out and empty. Until you've pushed every bad emotion, thought, and feeling you have towards yourself out. You do this until you're hollow and vacant on the inside. Until all your demons are dead.

And then you begin to heal. This is where you fill that vacancy with love. You wake up and tell yourself you're beautiful, and you'll know it's true when you don't hear that voice tell you the opposite. You look in the mirror and you don't see flaws, or insecurities, but you see you, the most beautiful person in the world. You see yourself for who you truly are, not the person that society tell you you are. You feed yourself compliments and you hold your head high. You learn your self worth and you never let anyone take that away from you. You don't seek validation from any app or person, as you are the only one who can give it to yourself. You heal and heal and heal. You never stop. You overflow yourself with so much love, compassion, and respect. You become your best self.

THAT'S the self love journey. It's not meant to be pretty. It's not meant to be easy. It's going to suck. You cannot heal until you've hurt. You cannot truly feel beautiful until you've dealt with the voices that tell you you're not. You cannot look in the mirror and like what you see until you've broken down your insecurities. You cannot be full of love until you've rid yourself of hate.

This might just be me, but the whole "fake it till you make it" or "fake it till you become it" is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. It's the worse advice I've taken. How can you expect someone to pretend that they feel beautiful when they never have? How can you expect someone to feel confident when they don't fully even know what that means? You cannot fake what you don't know. If you're putting on a smile and acting like you have it all together, but deep down you're miserable, you're only hurting yourself. You HAVE to deal with your deep rooted feelings. Their not going to magically disappear because you won't acknowledge them. You must go through the hurting process in order to heal, to feel better.

All I'm trying to say is that self love is a journey. You cannot look at the destination and want it without willing to go on the journey itself. Not everyone's journey is going to be identical. Some people's hurting will be longer than others and that's okay. I myself am still hurting. The point of this post was to encourage you to take the step. To take the leap in your own journey. We all want to love ourselves. We all want to feel confident and be the bad bitch we know we are. But in order to do that, you MUST deal with your shit. Like I've been saying throughout this entire post, you have to confront your demons and let them go. Disconnect yourself from the hatred you hold on to so you can begin to fill yourself up with unconditional love.

What's your self journey like?

Until next time, 


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